What You See Is What You Get--Except When It's Not

By LaCharla

First impressions can tell us a lot. In fact, in this country, we’re obsessed with them: We have too much hair. Or not enough. Or the hair we do have is the wrong color. Or our stilettos don’t have red bottoms. Or we’re 5-packs short of a 6-pack!

We’re so obsessed with first impressions that we have designer bodies, hair, and shoes. And we drive cars that cost as much as houses.

We don’t stop there. We give out non-physical cues, too. We want others to see us as compassionate or cold, friendly or “hard,” smart or funny. Or maybe we want to be chic and sophisticated or the life of the party.

We care what people think of us, and we’re watching them pretty closely, too.

Relationship Quicksand

When it comes to relationships, we can fall into two traps: We can believe first impressions that are false, or we can ignore first impressions that are true. Let’s take a look at these two kinds of relationship quicksand.

Underneath the False First Impression

One sign that a person is insecure is that they spend a lot of time, money, or energy building a facade. They want others to believe things about them that are just not true. And sometimes we fall for those false first impressions.

There’s no magic wand to keep us from getting fooled by these first impressions, but when it comes to relationships, we have a few weapons.

Weapon #1

One of the best weapons I know is the combination of time and distance. If you’re old enough, you may have heard a song by Percy Sledge called Take Time To Know Her. The message: slow down and make sure you have what you think you have.

You may have found a good thing. If you have, it will still be a good thing a month from now or six months from now. Don’t let anyone pressure you into moving so fast in the relationship that you turn off your instincts, your values, or your brain.

If he or she is a “counterfeit good thing,” there’s a good chance the mask will slip as time goes by. If you’re too caught up in the fantasy, though, you’ll fail to see what’s right in front of your eyes.

Blunt Advice for Women

You already know what I’m going to say. God has given us a built-in treasure. If you let the smooth talker with the false facade have your treasure, you open the door to disappointment and heartache. Your self-esteem will take a hit, and you’ll probably blame him for the way you feel.

A man who is fully committed to God will treat your heart with care and your body with respect. Give yourself enough time and distance to know which kind of man you’re dealing with. And as you wait and watch, refuse to compromise your high standards. Players are not likely to hang around long if you refuse to let them “play.” If you give in to Mr. Wrong thinking you’ll lose him, you’ll learn too late that you gave yourself away for nothing.

Weapon #2

Another weapon is the trusted advice of family and friends and your spiritual leaders. If you hesitate to introduce this new person to your parents, your church friends or your pastor, something is wrong. If you introduce this person and those folks are giving you the side-eye or questioning your sanity, something is wrong.

I’m not suggesting that your loved ones and spiritual leaders should control your decisions. I AM saying, though, that they may see more clearly than you do because their thinking hasn’t been eclipsed by a pretty face or a bulging bank account. So consider their words with an open mind.

Now to the next stumbling block…

True First Impressions from…You-Know-Where

Sometimes first impressions are true. And not so impressive. One example–in my book, anyway–is the foul-mouthed thug.

The best advice I can offer here is this: When someone shows disrespect, rage, selfishness, shallowness, pettiness, laziness, or some other negative trait, don’t try to “clean it up” and make excuses for them. People don’t usually fake that kind of behavior to impress people, so you’re seeing them with their guard down. If they make excuses for that behavior, they’re probably trying to fool themselves or you!

You may think that point is so obvious that I wasted a few seconds of my life writing it. But I’ll bet you’ve seen these traits, too: A woman buys red-bottom shoes rather than pay her rent on time. A man rages at his wife and blames her for making him do it. A boss is content to let her employees do the work while she takes credit. These people have shown you who they are.

Right now, somewhere, somebody is dating somebody just like one of these people. Or worse, planning to marry them! Maybe somebody YOU know.

Every day men and women ignore bad behavior and clashing values. They make sad excuses and stay in relationships that make them unhappy, for who knows what reason. And sometimes they march down the matrimonial aisle and attach themselves to all that baggage.

If that’s what you want, who am I to tell you it’s not good? But it’s not.

The Weapon

This is a tough one. It seems to me that people with solid self-esteem and a positive outlook on life tend to take one look at folks who show these bad behaviors and flee. They just don’t hang around long enough to get hurt by people whose values clash so much with theirs. I don’t have a quick tip for building your self-esteem because that’s a complex issue.

So the best weapon I can offer is self-awareness. If falling for this kind of person is a problem for you, acknowledge it and then choose to stop it! Make time for self-development. Find out what’s going on in your head and your heart that lets you fall victim to this even though you see the train wreck coming. Learn what keeps you blind to the oncoming train wreck. Talk with family members who don’t have that problem, or a pastor, friend, therapist or a personal coach. Just don’t give up until you straighten this out.

So Now You Know

When it comes to first impressions, what you see is what you get. Except, of course, when it’s not.

When you see things in people that warn you of trouble ahead, believe them and act on what you know. When you meet someone and everything looks perfect, give it time and test out that first impression.

Whether you’re looking for friendship or romance, I hope these tips have given you a few practical ideas for avoiding first impression pitfalls.

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